Missing You Is My Greatest Inspiration...

Missing You Is My Greatest Inspiration...

This Work Was Inspired By A Couple .. Or used to be :ُTo R.A. & M.N.M.N. Telling the story :I was born with a chronic disorder that will prevent me from being married. And have my own children. I was judged by my disorder even from some members of my family. Add to it school children who have no mercy, It was a daily nightmare. And i didn't understand it. i didn't know that there is something wrong with me till in older age which made me realize that my life will be never about my choices. My path in life was controlled by others!I had to wear a mask every day and Not being me just to be with the flow. After a while you blend in and forget your self. You forget who you are till you start not to recognize your self anymore ...When you are a child you don't know how to deal with it, i just started to conceal my self from people, even from my own family. A 4x5 room was my planet earth. I remember that i always wanted my own sky, I wanted to draw the sky and the clouds on the selling of my room but they never let me do it. The tasteless plan white was more convenient for them. Traditions huh!Some how i managed to grow up and there was the senior year in college. My seat was always next to the window daydreaming which was the best part of my day.We both studied the same major but in two different universities. Two complete different worlds, There was nothing in common between us. But somehow we were there at the same place, Same time Looking for the same thing, And He knew about my disorder, Although he asked me out...It was the winter of 2007, We met in my favorite place in Kuwait. A place full of palm trees in the seaside of the city. i was so afraid while i was waiting him. Shaking from the tension and the cold weather. Suddenly he came. Wearing a dark gray dishdasha with a white shemag. So Elegant, So handsome with a scent that took over the place...With a warm smile Hi, How are you? He said.  And he was so nerves him self but pretending the confidence. Im Fine, How about you ? i said; .. He replayed: i'm good .. You look beautiful tonight...I was so shy i didn't know what to replay. i just smiled and looked the other side .. Lets have a walk he said and in 2 steps He asked me; why you are shacking? Its just the cold i said; Then he holed my hand and some how his stranger hand warmed me and calmed me down...We walked for few minutes in silence. i felt that we didnt have to say anything. Sometimes the presence of a person can be enough...We were both in our senior year. The finals were coming. Graduation is near. We both had high expectation for our selves, He had his own business that he already started few years ago and i was about to start my own thing soon after graduation. We supported each other. His success was my motivation. i dont know if he knew how much i admired his personality. He was so smart socially and economically, he had countless amount of friends. all his family loved him in a way that i have never seen . Even his friend’s parents he was there favorite! Everybody in Kuwait knew him, when we go out i feel like im going out with a celebrity. Everyone wanted to say Hi to him. In each shop we enter we must go out with a giveaway or free stuff. Being out with him was an event of it self...The time passed so quickly, We both graduated at the same time and the future was opening his arms to us. I finally can be independent and start to make my own choices. The few months after Graduation were too good to be true, all these dreams about the future and what we will accomplish, But the subject of OUR future together was "unspeakable" . i remember once he asked me. will you leave me if i got married ? And I said; If you got married it wont be me who's leaving you...But i need you; He said. i want us to be together till we die...Few months after he started his new job, And i was happy for him. At this time i remember that he kept asking me lets have a weekend getaway. lets have the weekend for the both of us only. I need us to be together.. Lets go away ...He kept pushing me in a weird way. i've never seen him like that before!  He wanted to do it so bad like if its Our last thing to do!  i didn't understand it back then and i couldn't do it for some reason which made him sad. Few weeks later we were out and he was kind off blue. at these times i don't ask him what’s wrong. I just play with his hair and the back of his neck while he is driving till he speaks by him self, But that time he didn't. He was so quite.Are you hungry he asked me? Yes. lets have a pizza i said. We went to the airport to have pizza express and how convenient was that. The place where people bid farewell to each other...Our table was in the balcony, i was watching the comers from abroad to there love ones arms, It was overwhelming. For a long time he kept looking at me in silence. His eyes were saying it all. i felt it. I just wanted him to say it but unconsciously i asked him; Are you getting married?With a childish sad eyes and a pale voice he nodded his head and said yes.i broke to a thousand pieces...What i'm i suppose to react? i felt that i don't have the right to react. i felt that i owe him that.With a calm smile i said; Congratulations. May God bless you both...Few days had passed, i never slept, i didn't cry yet. At some level i was in denial. and that denial stage stayed with me for few years. At the time were i was trying to accept it  I tried to find a way to end it. He's not mine anymore, He never was an he'll never be ..Few days later we went out, i wanted to tell him that its about the time to end it. i didn't know how to start the conversation. I was thinking all the way and all of the sudden we were in the middle of the souk were he was trying his wedding "Bisht".How do i look he asked me with all that happiness in his eyes ?And  I answered him ; You look beautiful my love, Like a full moon.That was beyond hurtful; A new feeling that has no term yet...Its then when i knew that i cant handle it. Its time to let go ..  In the way back i said it, we need to end it. We cant do this anymore. You belong to someone els now. Then i remained silent all the way back. I was agonized most of my life. i heard things and been treated in a way that can traumatized any kid. But that was one of the hardest most painful things i had to say in my whole life .. But he kept telling me No, I want us to be together till we die. I want us to be best friends, I want you, I need you, Who know me better than you...No one knows you better than me, and no one will...I loved you with all what’s in me, you were my first, you were my last.You didn't have to ask my hands from my parents.You didn't have to give me dowry,You didn’t have to wear me diamonds.You didn’t have to buy me a house.You were not obligated to satisfy my family and the society for me to love you.You didn’t have to buy my love.I loved you because you were you...But i couldn’t leave him, i couldn't. I kept smiling and pretending to be strong. I do not deny that he took a good care of me during this period, He was so gentle about it trying his best to make it less painless except in a one thing .. When he invited me to his wedding.And for a reason that I can’t understand I went.When i entered the place and he saw me he stared at me for a long time in a sad way. There was so much words in his eyes, Everybody noticed. I misled with the guest to lose him. But he kept following me with his eyes.I like to believe that he wanted me to be in that white dress!By the end of that wedding something in me has died, i was fake smiling more than i used to with him. i never learned to wear my mask with him.  I was exhausted, I couldn't breath, I couldn't stand on my own, Something has to hold me ... I lost my smile for a long time i had to wear my mask once a gain. Covering my feelings, Covering my self ..  No one wants to see a sad face ?We still see each other occasionally, mostly in time of need. Sometimes we need to be around each other. The feeling of the other person existence is enough. But i guess i was sad way way more than i should be. i think my beautiful image in his mind has been changed into a sad hurt one. I feel that my existing in his life has been linked with pain, But it was not my choice...In few months it will be his 6th anniversary, He has a family now with 2 beautiful kids looks exactly just like him. Successful and happy in his life. I wish him all the happiness and success he deserves, I believe that part of loving someone is being happy for him even if his happiness was with someone els. Although i miss him all the time ... Missing him gain me power, motivated me at my work, Inspired me to create, I became more successful in my creations inspired by his pain...He always exists in my mind.  I still hear he's voice comforting me when I’m down, I still see him in peoples faces. The dark gray became my favorite color. I still smell that scent he was wearing the day we met, I still love with all what’s this word means...Till now, after 6 years, Every time i see him my heart skip a beat ...